OMG (The Ballad of Heart-Stopping Luncheon Extremities)

My dear friends, today is the beginning of a new era.

I must tell you of this most incredible experience.

The day began like any other. Who would have seen this coming -- much less, been prepared?

As I made my way into the cafeteria to grab a quick lunch, I could feel my stomach turning. "Why," I asked myself, "must I be so hungry?" I had learned by now to hone all my skills and abilities to distract my eternal-starving gut from that gross reality of the food I was to ingest when favished.

Dragging my gorgeous ass up the stairs, I put on my sunglasses in an attempt to sheild my retinas from the certain white horizon of my blinding, mortal enemy -- Rice.

The moment that I stepped into the cafeteria, I stopped dead in my tracks. "OMG," was the only acronym that my brain could process...

There, were the rice was known to exist, sat a piece of pizza.

I stepped in a little closer. Could it be? A piece of regular, non-rice pizza?

Realizing that I was letting my guard down too easily, I backed away until I was almost out of the room. "Pull yourself together! How will you ever learn to trust again if you don't take that leap of faith?" My conscience was right. It had been too long since I'd seen a regular meal, and I wasn't about to make the fatal mistake of letting this one chance at happiness pass me by.

Inching my way forward (and after intense periods of hyper-ventilation), I reached the pizza. Picking it up, I let the reality of the mouth-watering specimen sink in. This was it.

I didn't even have time to inspect underneath the cheese... Before I knew it, I was taking a bite out of the most wonderful thing that my eyes have ever beheld...

...And it was breath-taking.

I'll never be the same.

Please, tell your friends and family; alert the neighbourhood watch; pass this story down the branches of your family tree:

There is hope. Yes, there is hope.